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"Quandry re: Pro Domme"

 
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ElephantBalls (68 posts) Click to send private message to ElephantBalls Click to check IP address of the poster
19-Apr-01, 08:14 PM (PDT)
"Quandry re: Pro Domme"
Hi. I thought you all might be able to provde some insight into a quandry I face with my ATF Pro Domme. We have been seeing eachother for ~ 18 months -- me as a regular paying client. From the very first session, our connection seemed much more eletrical/sexual than I have experienced with other Pro Dommes. Our sessions over the past 18 months have also been very, very sensual -- but not crossing the line.

After our last sesion, she asked me if I would like to go from paying customer to private sub. On the one hand, I thought this was great!!!! On the other hand, she says that I am required to sign a "sub contract", cannot play with others and must totally submit my sexual needs to hers.

I have been given 72 hours to reply.

So I am faced with the classic quandry: I have lusted after something for 18 months ... now it is presented, and I do not know if I should proceed.

I am the CEO of a faily prominent company. I am not a public bdsm player. Yet... this speaks to me so deeply. Playing is one thing... joining a serious lifestyle player, as her sub, is another. Who knows where I could find myself.

Please share your perspectives and help me work through this! Thanks!

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headhunter (42 posts) Click to send private message to headhunter Click to check IP address of the poster
20-Apr-01, 06:11 AM (PDT)
1. "RE: Quandry re: Pro Domme"
As a Dom (not professional, though), let me throw in my 2 cents...

Take it as signing any contract. Read it, make sure nothing stupid is agreed to. I had a friend who came across the country (leaving her kids in the care of her ex-husband) to devote herself to a Dominant she met...only to be screwed over by him in a few months. Unfortunately, she also agreed to turn over the handling of finances/property/etc to him.

It all depends on how valuable it is to you. You know that she will push your limits...hell, that's most of the fun, right? Did you have a serious chat about your limits, expectations, etc...? You'd probably want to. If she cares (and, yes, we Dominants do care for our subbies), she'll take it seriously. If she refuses to budge, requiring your blind, unswerving, and total trust...well, personally, I keep day to day life and sexual life separate. I expect my subs to submit sexually, but also expect them to make their own decisions at the supermarket!

As long as you *don't* do anything irreversable (like signing away all your possessions), you can always back out...it will probably break your relationship, but so it goes. Good luck.

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mister_handy (786 posts) Click to send private message to mister_handy Click to view user profile Click to check IP address of the poster
20-Apr-01, 10:10 AM (PDT)
2. "RE: Quandry re: Pro Domme"
Two assumptions:
One - I'm assuming you're not married or some other serious outside relationship. If you are, stop here.
Two - I'm assuming that the issues the previous guy raised, that the contract doesn't contain any ridiculous "take over your life" (financial or otherwise) provisions, and that this purely has to do with sexual play between you. If it does, discuss those very, very carefully.

If those two are true, I'd try to have a talk with her with your eyes open about what you both expect. If you're both on the level and the above aren't true, I'd jump at the opportunity (if I weren't in another relationship, that is...)

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mr_omar (4 posts) Click to send private message to mr_omar Click to view user profile Click to check IP address of the poster
23-Apr-01, 08:57 AM (PDT)
3. "RE: Quandry re: Pro Domme"
Okay Elephant Balls, now that the 72 hours has expired, I am curious about how you handled your quagmire. This is truly a fascinating situation and one that I would have a difficult time deciding what exactly is the proper course of action.
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BIGGUY56 (29 posts) Click to EMail BIGGUY56 Click to send private message to BIGGUY56 Click to view user profile Click to check IP address of the poster
23-Apr-01, 10:14 AM (PDT)
4. "You've answered your own question!!!!"
>I am the CEO of a
>faily prominent company. I am
>not a public bdsm player.
>Yet... this speaks to me
>so deeply. Playing is one
>thing... joining a serious lifestyle
>player, as her sub, is
>another. Who knows where I
>could find myself.
>
>Please share your perspectives and help
>me work through this! Thanks!

If you are prepared to say goodbye to your career, reputation,
family, net worth, etc. along with putting yourself in a wonderful position for extortion by signing an agreement be my guest. I am a CPA and have been a CFO, General Manager, Cotroller and Consultant throughout my career and have seen some good men with tremendous vision and logic lose everything followowing the wrong head for pussy and that is all they are or ever will be. Get the fuck(no pun intended) out now! No one is that good and I've had some of the best and always think......I'll never replace her only to find better. I hate seeing a good man ruined by something so easy to replace and obviously you have the means. I am certain that if you follow through on this we will hear you crying the blues within a few months assuming you can even afford to get on line. Good luck.


BG56

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panther (438 posts) Click to send private message to panther Click to view user profile Click to check IP address of the poster
23-Apr-01, 03:25 PM (PDT)
5. "RE: You've answered your own question!!!!"
I agree w/ BG56. Do NOT sign the contract if possible.

You are going to need to get out of this relationship, and you are going to need support doing it. Try to buy some time if possible and hold off on committing either way while you get some support established. If you 'have' to, sign the contract but satisfy YOURSELF first that you know how you will get out of it.

This is a somewhat dangerous situation for you -- and I think the REAL test here is whether you will be able to keep asking for the individual support you need. Posting here was a really good move.

If there is someone in your life who you can talk to about this, do. If not, I have received enough help from therapists that I would recommend that.

Take really good care of yourself.


panther

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ElephantBalls (68 posts) Click to send private message to ElephantBalls Click to check IP address of the poster
23-Apr-01, 05:27 PM (PDT)
6. "72 hours"
Thanks for all your thoughts and your perspective. Very helpful. Here is the scoop: we did get together to discuss the offer this weekend. As we moved from general to specifics, I began to get a bit uncomfortable. As a result, while flattered and very interested, I chose to decline the offer and we will remain provider/client and friends.

Thanks again guys for your insightful comments -- you really helped me!

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mr_omar (4 posts) Click to send private message to mr_omar Click to view user profile Click to check IP address of the poster
23-Apr-01, 10:16 PM (PDT)
7. "RE: 72 hours"
I suspected that is your best course of action. You know the saying, "the devil's in the details." You obviously had to find out more since I am not sure what it meant to be her private sub. If you would, I would be real curious to hear the terms of such a deal that she was proposing. Issues such as exactly what is expected of you financially, sexually, as her slave, etc. This is real interesting as I posed the same question to myself after reading your post. I have occassionally found myself lusting for something/somebody only to realize when I had the opportunity to realize my desired- whatever, I was not quite as interested. Anyways, please share anything that you feel comfortable sharing as this is really an interesting thread.
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panther (438 posts) Click to send private message to panther Click to view user profile Click to check IP address of the poster
24-Apr-01, 06:34 PM (PDT)
8. "Halleluja! (eom)"

panther
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ElephantBalls (68 posts) Click to send private message to ElephantBalls Click to check IP address of the poster
24-Apr-01, 07:08 PM (PDT)
9. "RE: Halleluja! (eom)"
AWESOME!!!!!
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ElephantBalls (68 posts) Click to send private message to ElephantBalls Click to check IP address of the poster
24-Apr-01, 07:15 PM (PDT)
10. "Terms of the deal"
Yes, the devil is very much in the details. To be her private sub meant -- to her -- the following:

1. That we would continue to play as before, but that our play would become intimate in our paid sessions.
2. That I would be available to her once per week to assist with a variety of domestic duties, bookkeeping, errands, etc.
3. That I would be invited to join her and her friends 1-2 times per week for private play sessions. I was to be available via cell phone and pager and must return a page within 15 minutes.
4. Other details not needed to be disclosed here.

For me, I was surprised at #1. I have the money, that is not the issue. However, the manner in which it was presented was somewhat off-putting. Second, #3 is completely impractical for me. If I were just out of college or had a job with les responsibilities, then this would be pretty cool. But it doesn't work now and could create big problems.

Overall, it was fun to explore and tantalizing to get close. However, with so many things in life, it looked better at a distance than up close. Oh well... another life experience. :-0

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Lorrett (1 posts) Click to send private message to Lorrett Click to view user profile Click to check IP address of the poster
24-Apr-01, 08:09 PM (PDT)
11. "RE: Terms of the deal"
This is a note from the heart, from someone who's worn a collar for many years. A lifestyle Dominant-submissive relationship is just like a marriage; it's built on understanding, trust and intimacy. Intimacy isn't the same thing as sex; it's the ability to communicate deeply and support one another emotionally. This message is for you, and for EVERYONE ELSE OUT THERE WHO SO VERY MUCH WANTS/NEEDS THE CONTROL OF ANOTHER PERSON that they're willing to exchange far too much for the fleeting hope that they've found the right person: if that would-be Master/Mistress WANTS TOO MUCH, TOO SOON, if s/he INSISTS ON YOUR TELLING/GIVING ALL, BUT REFUSES TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS ABOUT HIMSELF/HERSELF OPENLY (and PROVABLY), there's only one sane response: RETREAT AT ONCE. As I said, I've worn a collar for many years. I was close friends with my Master for 25 years before he ever collared me. He's been my teacher, my friend, almost my parent, through good times and bad. I would trust him with my life because I know I can...he's proven that. He's been supportive of my marriage, my career, my relationships. He's changed my life in more ways than I could even describe to you. You can't build that kind of connection in a couple of months. Please, don't let your fantasy lead you to believe that you can! Get to know that other person, before you promise too much to what may turn out to be the will-o'the-wisp, leading you into trouble.
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